Manifesto: A Working Document, Spring/Summer 2023

Manifesto Thursday May 11th, 2023.

Derby, nr. Nottingham

I am my own philosophy. I will gladly fall down first so you don't have to. I love people.

I am used to making people feel uncomfortable. I am used to being disliked. I do not exist to make others like me. I am honest. I often provoke change.

I can be trusted. I am aware some may not believe me. I am a court-jester, a clown healer, and wholly accepting of my own human fallibility and Stupidity™. I am used to being misinterpreted.

I was born out of a great deal of love. I have not always found that love in my own life. I have found love in my son and in fellow Clowns/Clowning and wounded healers and the neurodiverse community. I am usually late to the Party.

I can sense pain at twenty paces. I can read faces. I often misunderstand double meanings and untruths. I feel unconditional love and so can you.

I am unafraid to speak Truth to Power. I can tell power doesn't like it. Power sometimes comes for me and I am occasionally one step ahead. If an early bird catches the Worm, I am usually the one stood listening to the Bird Song. My folk and ritual ways are rooted in the West of Ireland. I run deeper than even I understand.

I love my friends. I feel love and empathy for my enemies. I can provoke and debate until the cows come home and drink and laugh with you later that same day. That's the craic I hope for in any situation.

Beurocracy, unhelpful politics, red tape and policies put a bad taste in my mouth. I can be a very fluid planner. I thrive when I allow myself to flow like water. I am a mountain being gently eroded by my life experiences. I crack and crumble and let the water flow. I cry when i meditate well. "There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in."

I am harmless to those who love and perceived as harmful to those who don't. I understand this more with the coming of age.

I am thirty four. I am a mother. I am a clown. I love people. I love our children fiercely. I will protect anyone who needs and wants me to. I don't have to know you well to feel some kind of love for you. I believe in love in its many, many forms and it is not transactional. I am not scared of people, I am scared for some peoples disregard of themselves and others.

I believe we can all change for the better. I believe in our Beautiful Stupidity™. I believe I can fly, touch the sky etc. I believe in the fine art of Bullsh**t and Gobsh*tery when it's been deserved. It is fun. Would you laugh with me?

I believe we can all do better, much sooner than we all think.

I love you, I love me, I love all of our children fiercely.

Manifesto Thursday March 30th, 2023.

Shoreham-by-Sea, nr. Brighton 

I am my clown philosophy. I fall down first so you don't have to. I love you.

I am used to making you feel uncomfortable. I am used to being disliked. I do not exist to make you like me. I am honest. I provoke change.

I can be trusted. I am aware you may not believe me. I am a court jester, a clown healer, and wholly accepting of my own human fallibility and Stupidity. I am used to your mistrust.

I was born out of a great deal of love. I have not always found that love in my own life. I have found love in my son and in clown/s and wounded healers and the neurodiverse community. I am usually late to the party.

I can see your pain at twenty paces. I can read faces. I often misunderstand double meanings and untruths. I am unconditional love and so are you.

I am unafraid to speak truth to power. I can tell power doesn't like it. Power is coming for me and I am usually one step ahead. My folk and ritual ways are rooted in the West of Ireland. I run deeper than I understand.

I love my friends. I feel love and empathy for my enemies. I can provoke and debate until the cows come home and drink and laugh with you later that same day.

Beurocracy, unhelpful politics, red tape and policies put a bad taste in my mouth. I am a fluid planner. I thrive when I allow myself to flow like water. I am a mountain being eroded. I crack and crumble and let the water flow. "There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in."

I am harmless to those who love and perceived as harmful to those who don't. I understand this more with the coming of age.

I am thirty four. I am a mother. I am a clown. I love you. I love our children fiercely. I will protect anyone who needs me to. I don't have to know you well to feel love for you. I believe in love in its many many forms and it is not transactional. I am not scared of you, I am scared for your disregard of yourself and others.

I believe we can all change for the better. I believe in our Beautiful Stupidity. I believe I can fly, touch the sky etc. I believe in the fine art of Bullshit and Gobshitery when it's been deserved. It is fun. Laugh with me?

I believe we can all do better, much sooner that we think.

I love you, I love me, I love our children fiercely.

Must What Goes Up Always Come Down? Balance and Creative Birthing

Anyone close to me will often hear me talk about life's trials and tribulations as modules, tests and exams. My computer brain likes to see clear input and outcome. I throw the ball, the ball is caught, the ball is thrown or batted back to me. I suppose, in life, laughter, and even magic, this is the energetic flow of things: what you put out will come back to you threefold, whether that be good, bad or indifferent.

So what happens when one, a neurodivergent person whose computer brain wrestles with the concept of being human at the best of times, loses the ball in the air for a minute?

And:

How does one keep grounded when their creative inner-self is characteristically upward focused? When one is looking upwards, always, for the ball to come back?

Part of my Shadow Work, as some would call it, is accepting that sometimes, if I feel* let down or rejected, the best thing I can do is act against my instincts. To act counter-intuitvely.

Producing and sharing an idea is a process entirely similar to childbirth, and I've heard it spoken about in this way before by collaborators. 

If, as the parent of a baby idea, I feel any perceived hesitation or resistance, my knee-jerk reaction (and I wrestle with this one hard,) is to withdraw and hide my new baby idea. Which is... kinda childish, let's face it.

But when we face up to the idea that, in fact, it may be our inner child in clowning who has a lot to do with the creation of our baby ideas, (clowns often being "child-like" in their nature,) it then follows that this makes complete sense.

Growing up as a high-attaining, over-achiever, I have learned to function within the remit of perfectionism. Perfectionism is the antithesis of clown and will destroy my work if I let it. "Comparison is the thief of joy," as they say, and so withdrawal of ideas because of a cerebral, academic, "test-failing" experience makes little to no logical sense, by means of letting the baby idea grow into adulthood.

Without exposure, our baby idea simply will not grow.

As a single parent living with the trauma, let's face it, of abandonment wounds, my protective knee-jerk is to protect the child and remove it from any place where it may be scrutinised. THIS IS NOT A HELPFUL ATTITUDE WHEN DEVISING THEATRE. You simply must suck it up, nurture the child, let them grow, and accept that all will be there for them who want to be, and that people will come and go throughout their lifetime.

So that's what we're sitting with today:**

Vulnerability.

At least I may take solace in the words I used to a very good clown egg and human recently, when explaining (to myself as much as them,) my brief periods of melancholy;

"If the focus is always up, the clown can be as melancholy as they please, but there is always hope. The melancholy clown is always looking up and they are ever-hopeful."

Hope hope and hope again ✌🌈 

... ... ... ... ... ... ...

*As an unofficially diagnosed ADHD/autistic person, my instant perception isn't always accurate. Rejection sensitivity is absolutely a thing, and I accept its place at my table.

**Really sitting, actually, I have found myself seeking the ground and earthing and caring for plants and soil to keep me from running entirely away with the Sky Fairies etc.