Other Lives: The Inner World of a Multipotentialite

Zoë Hughes: clown, puppeteer... International Woman of Mystery...

Okay... maybe not mystery, (I will share my thoughts with *anyone,* you know this!) but certainly I gather its a mystery to most *how* and *why* on earth I do the things I do.

I believe its The Artists Way by Julia Cameron which contains an exercise called something like "Other Lives," which asks you to sit and list all the things you could have done in your life if money, time and age were no bounds.

In other words, what could imagine yourself doing in another life?

My answer is... most things! But mostly these:

Figure skater:

THE LEGS. That's almost all I need to say! I am blessed with relatively good legs, (I have always walked everywhere,) but DEM LEGS. Oof. Really, figure skating is beautiful. I once fractured my elbow ice skating. This will give you some idea of my real-life skill level...

Lawyer:

Seen me write an email? I feel like that's the only way to demonstrate this one. I have a very interrogative mind. I will find holes in anything/everything.* And I can be a bit of a git about it. In a useful way, I hope. Injustice ticks me right off, and advocating for people is a passion of mine. So I think I'd be somewhat happy living that law lyf. 

Disney Princess:

I really wanted to take French at school to actually be a Disney princess! Anyone who has witnesses my in-person physicality will find this a little funny, (I am a little squashier than Disney's princess requirements, and whilst I can perform elegance, I wouldn't have myself down as naturally elegant or princessy!) If I were to apply today I honestly bet I'd get Mickey. Actually I'd love that. Zero complaints here.

Professional ballroom dancer:

I actually used to ballroom dance as a child. Competitions and everything, (ooh!) My mum is a qualified dance teacher, my parents used to dance together. *I* decided I "didn't want to dance anyone elses steps!" a la Strictly Ballroom, (great film,) and quit. I could have been on Strictly by now. What a fool I am.

West End Musical Theatre Star:

Obviously. Anyone who's been in the house whilst I've been in the shower will be aware of this. Or been around me whilst I work. Or clean. Or generally exist. I sing *a lot.* And in many ways regret my socio-economic background not allowing for immediate drama school and success. But also, I get to be a clown so... its not all bad 🤡

So there's just five of my many other lives! I like to believe in the infinite alternate universe thing, and that I'm doing it all, every day. I'm on a beach, on a boat, on trial, on a stage, on a Disney carnival float, on the TV!

In my head I really am doing it all. And I enjoy it very much. Most importantly, I'm very happy with the external version of Zoë who, let's face it, could do anything if she really really put her mind to it. Was that a humblebrag? Stuff it, I'm standing by it. Ahhh growth.

*There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in.

Vogue 73 Questions With Zoë Hughes, Bureau de Chaos

Let's pretend I'm being interviewed for Vogue!

*On a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now?*

Fifteen. The stars are aligning.

*Describe yourself in a hashtag?*

#aggressivekindness

*If you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be?*

Michael Sheen. Although I think I'd die of adoration. 

*If your life was a musical, what would the marquee say?*

"When life gets difficult, she writes emails!"

*What’s one thing people don’t know about you?*

They know it, but they forget, I am a lighting designer!

*What’s your wakeup ritual?*

Spotify Daily Drive. A river of coffee. Stretching like a cat.

*What’s your go to bed ritual?*

Falling asleep on the sofa 😅

*What’s your favorite time of day?*

5am-8am.

*What is one thing no one knows about you?*

I sometimes have phases where I pour golden syrup on everything I eat.

*Dream country to visit?*

Holland.

*What’s the biggest surprise you’ve had?*

My son! That's not to say he was any less wanted. But boy was he a surprise! The best surprise of my life. 

*Heels or flats/sneakers?*

Depends on my mood! Heels for clown, sneakers for Zoë.

*Vintage or new?*

Vintage. Or new but handmade. 

*Who do you want to write your obituary?*

Charlie Brooker.

*Style icon?*

Gilly Shine off of the Instagrams.

*What are three things you can’t live without?*

My phone, my family, my friends, (euw gross. Mean it though!)

*What’s one ingredient you put in everything?*

Chilli flakes.

*What 3 people living or dead would you like to make dinner for?*

Charlie Chaplin, Eric Morecambe, Aitor Basauri, (although I'd be terrified. In a good way! Like a respectful abject fear 🤣)

*What’s your biggest fear in life?*

Hahahahaha fear of disappointing my heroes.

*Window or aisle seat?*

Windowwww.

*What’s your current TV obsession?*

That Physical 100(?) show on Netflix. Korean reality strength/physicality contest.

*Favorite app?*

Daylio. Hands down.

*Secret talent?*

I can smell spirits. (I don't mean vodka.)

*Most adventurous thing you’ve done in your life?*

Run off to London to study clown!

*How would you define yourself in three words?*

Tenacious, determined, kind.

*Favorite piece of clothing you own?*

Sunflower dungarees.

*Must have clothing item everyone should have?*

Dungarees. If you don't have them, y'all are missing out.

*Superpower you would want?*

Flight.

*What’s inspiring you in life right now?*

Everything. Particularly my son, my partner and other clowns.

*Best piece of advice you’ve received?*

If you can't be funny, be beautiful.

*Best advice you’d give your teenage self?*

Stop chasing boys, please.

*A book that everyone should read?*

Reasons to Stay Alive, Matt Haig.

*What would you like to be remembered for?*

Flo.

*How do you define beauty?*

Flo.

*What do you love most about your body?*

That it's a smokin' hot mum-bod 👍 

*Best way to take a rest/decompress?*

Meditate or nap.

*Favorite place to view art?*

Theatre.

*If your life were a song, what would the title be?*

Song About The Sky. Obvs.

*If you could master one instrument, what would it be?*

Banjolele. 

*If you had a tattoo, where would it be?*

I have tattoos all over the shop already. I'd love new ones on my forearms now I've accepted I am allergic to conventional employment 🤣

*Dolphins or koalas?*

KOALAS.

*What’s your spirit animal?*

Moth. Or red panda.

*Best gift you’ve ever received?*

My son, (I know, sickening, but it's true.)

*Best gift you’ve ever given?*

The gift of love, empowerment, acceptance. 

*What’s your favorite board game?*

Chess.

*What’s your favorite color?*

Emerald green.

*Least favorite color?*

Mucky brown I guess? I think I like all the colours!

*Diamonds or pearls?*

Diamonds.

*Drugstore makeup or designer?*

Vegan.

*Blow-dry or air-dry?*

Air.

*Pilates or yoga?*

Yoga.

*Coffee or tea?*

Do you really need to ask? ☕ 

*What’s the weirdest word in the English language?*

Obelisk. First word that entered my head.

*Dark chocolate or milk chocolate?*

Dark.

*Stairs or elevator?*

Stairs. Gotta get them gains.

*Summer or winter?*

Summer. Winter. Wait, I want both!

*You are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat?*

Chilli.

*A desert you don’t like?*

Anything with warm raisins. Just no.

*A skill you’re working on mastering?*

Network marketing 🤣 A girls gotta live/eat!

*Best thing to happen to you today?*

Waking up.

*Worst thing to happen to you today?*

Waking up to a Monday.

*Best compliment you’ve ever received?*

You are very funny, you remind me of a young Dawn French.

*Favorite smell?*

Ooohhhhhhh... festival field grass and humans and outdoor electrical equipments. 

*Hugs or kisses?*

Hugs.

*If you made a documentary, what would it be about?*

Clown.

*Last piece of content you consumed that made you cry?*

Gilly Shine telling me I'm doing okay.

*Lipstick or lip gloss?*

Lipstick. 

*Sweet or savory?*

Both. At the same time. Ungh.

*Girl crush?*

Hahahahahaha. Uhm... ohhh there's this wrestler. Cannot remember her name. But them thighs!

*How you know you’re in love?*

Instinct. Oh, and I'll usually make a playlist.

*Song you can listen to on repeat?*

GMF, John Grant.

*If you could switch lives with someone for a day who would it be?*

Prime Minister. I would stir that pot ooooooo.

*What are you most excited about at this time in your life?*

Finding the bits of me that were hiding and expressing them.

*Your go to for having a good laugh?*

Realising the ways people have been trying to back me into a corner ever. Nobody puts Zoë in the corner. Well they try, but then I realise, it makes me laugh, and I leave the stoopid corner.

*Your affirmation for today?*

Leave the stoopid corner 🤣❤️

Something-Like-A-Business-Audit

Recently I filled in a questionnaire in response to an Autistic Autrepeneur Coach. I was thrilled that this meant I accidentally carried out a little business/aims audit as a byproduct!

Here's my responses with a little more from me:

Describe your current business/business idea

I am a clown and street-theatre artist, aiming towards building my own company. I have my own company, Bureau de Chaos, but it is very much a solo endeavour at present! I would like collaborators and associate-artists and a bank of performers. Maybe even someone to help with admin. Oooohhhh that'd be nice. And a producer to make sure I follow through on ideas.

True story! I really would love more collaborators. I have many, but they all exist far away/online in my world at the moment. A quick fix would be a visit to Hull and/or London, but I still am holding out hope that there are other clowns in Nuneaton/surrounding areas. There has to be!

What is the biggest challenge that autism presents to you as an entrepreneur?

Self-doubt! When I create I am at my most authentic and unmasked, but I'm aware this state of flow sometimes means I say or do seemingly inappropriate things. I don't always read the room well when I'm super excited about an idea and end up pitching to the wrong type of person or accidentally insulting someone or pi**ing them off.

Again, very true. I piss people off more than you'd think. Or as much as you'd expect, depending on your current opinion of me! This means that naturally I can be quite shy about proposing ideas and seeking Arts Council funding as I fear being laughed out of the room. Wait... I LIKE laughter!? I am a clown. Perhaps more practice in safe risk-taking is needed.

What is your number 1 business goal?

Profit!!! Big profit. The kind of profit where I don't have to do so much scrambling around any more and some things just run in the background and I can focus on being creative.

Pretty straight-forward. I do *a lot* and have acquired some pretty niche talents. You'd think I'd be making all the money by now. I am not! Again, I think this comes from an innate fear of putting myself out there. Perhaps I should get FLO to make the funding applications. *Her* self-esteem knows no bounds!

What does it mean to you personally and business wise to hit that goal?

Personally this would mean my family gets to live a comfortable life. We really scrimp and save at the moment. I'd like to pay off the debts from when I've invested too quick in special interests and then dropped them, (ADHD,) or applied for loans and had my business crash, (Covid.) Business-wise it would mean sustained confidence in what I do. My business wouldn't just be seen as a hobby or a side-project, I'd be competing with the biggest entertainment companies in the West Midlands/UK/World!

Ahhhh, Capricorn Ambition™... I am naturally ambitious. My practical brain/day-to-day self confidence doesn't always match this.

What would you like to get help with?

Believing in myself. I'm getting better at this, but it still takes an awful lot of work. I'm trying to unlearn what success is *supposed* to look like, and attune better to what success is for *me.*

As above. I would like my ambition to happily coincide with what is attainable and right for *me* and my artistic/autistic(!) flow/Flo(!)

So there you have it! My something-like-a-business-audit. It feels good to pop it down on paper, (well, digitally,) and we'll see where we are in February 2024 perhaps!

Now... must get Flo to look over those funding applications 👀 

Be Stupid: a Morning Thought Mini Essay™ Weds 8th Feb 2023

I'm interested in/curious about the play between the perception of assertiveness and aggression in women.

As you may have seen, (the wider internet/social media is my pocket-escapism from reality and emailing right now...) I have been engaged in a bit* of a battle of wills between myself and one particular organisation.

During this ongoing dialogue, I have become curious about how someone like me is received in such a situation. Having gone from a quiet, disempowered period of illness to an empowered state of (something like) organisation and strength of will, how am I perceived in the world now that I'm comfortable to say, "this is what I feel?" And not only that but, "here's the science/laws/history to back that up." Because yanno... Hyperfocus™ 

I attended an online gathering of Quiet M/other Makers yesterday, (Feb 7th 2023,) and it was astounding to witness that we all feel very similar. We have been taught to be small, quiet, to stay inside our own boxes, meet the expectations of others and generally suck-it-up and do our bit. Complain or express your discomfort too much and you run the risk of being deemed a bad mother, a whining/over-emotional woman, a mentally ill person. For having a quite reasonable response to being... well... shoved in a box and told to stay there.

In the process of climbing/clawing/smashing my way out of my own box, I have pissed people off. This is natural. I am no longer behaving as they expect and, to be fair, I find it confusing when people do this too. "I have learned that you will do x, why now are you doing y?" We're told on wellness-stagram that this will happen. "Assert your boundaries and the toxic people in your life will fall away like loose feathers..." etc. But what if they're not toxic people? What if you need them on your page? Singing from your hymn sheet? Remaining in your family or friendship circle?

It's just. So. Interesting.

I am naturally very quiet and thoughtful. I think incredibly hard before I do anything. It's rare that even a spur-of-the-moment act will come without months of deep, inner thought. I rarely share my deep inner thoughts as they are perceived as *over* thought. You think too hard, Zoë, go with the flow, stop over-thinking! But when I act in the flow I am deemed too impulsive, (despite the intensely hard work I do behind the scenes.)

My well thought out *loudness* comes as a complete surprise and, owing to how I present 🌈 ☀ 🌻 ❤️ 🤡 it is assumed that I simply don't know what I'm doing, and I'm just flailing around being loud at people. How could someone like me understand systems and adult issues and the way the world *really* works? I'm just a single, jobless mum, right? I sit at home and share memes all day and have *fun* and dress like a child and *how could I possibly understand how the world really works?*

People often perceive that I am playing at being an adult. I got news for ya: you are too. We all are. We are just inner children walking around in thirty, fourty, fifty plus year old skin suits. We're essentially still hashing it out on the playground with bigger squashier bodies and better vocabulary. We get it wrong. We *all get it very wrong.* Sometimes. But if we *allow* ourselves to *play,* then when we get it right, we get is so very very right. Through playfulness and curiosity in our enquiries about the world, we learn to really enjoy the bits that align with our authentic selves.

That bug looks cool! Can I eat it? Euw, no... I can enjoy how beautiful it is though! Wow that colour looks brilliant! Can I wear it? WOW!!!

Just wow.

Learn to say wow. Loudly. Quietly. In your head. Screamed into a field or a pillow.

Like, f**king hell, we've got *all this potential.*

And many of us believe we are happy in our little boxes. And are threatened by play. By the state of flow. By deep inner thought. By assertion of feelings or beliefs. (By empowered women in general, but that's a whole other Morning Thought Mini Essay™.)

Go out and play. Eat the stupid food. Wear the stupid clothes. Do the stupid stuff.

Allow yourself the opportunity to say, "wow."

Be stupid. You'll piss people off, sure. But I doubt you'll regret it.

🤡❤️🌠🌞🌈 

*understatement